Non Kosher Flu

Hi Sir/Miss!

 How are you doing today!? Aw that's good to hear/Sorry to hear that. I'm great, thank you for asking!

Translation: What the fuck do you want? I can't wait until you are gone and I don't have to hear you drone on about your meaningless existence, as I have my own to worry about. Kill yourself in a suicide bomb fashion while taking out the bologna factory that made the meat paste products you are purchasing as we speak! Also, might I add sir/miss, that those sit down electric carts are for people with disabilities, DISABLING them to push a regular shopping cart around the store, and not for your OBESE, bologna, popcorn chicken shoveling ass? 

 So let me tell you about little word we've all heard before: "stereotype." 

 Anyone who gets pissed about any type of joke regarding race, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual preference, or anything else for that matter; YOU ARE WRONG!!!!

 Stereotypes exist and are thriving at your local Walmart. I know this from what I see with my own eyeballs every day I work. Black people really do eat shitloads of collared greens, watermelon, koolaid/fruit punch/hawaiian punch, pigs feet, and other "black foods." Now I promise you this is not anti semitic at all! I'm just telling you what I see here coincides precisely with what we've been led to believe through television, film, and your relatives who "lived in a different time." 

 Darker complexions aside, let me move right along here to something a little different, yet exactly the same: White trash. You trashy cunts. These people literally follow stereotypes to a decree. I'm almost feeling nauseous just thinking about the amount of hot dogs (and I'm talking ball park franks. The kind made from lips and assholes to quote a more memorable funny dead fat guy), bologna, popcorn chicken, and basically just anything disgusting, smelly, and fattening enough to squeeze past their buttery, greased up rims. Wanna know how many copies of the National Enquirer and US Weekly I sell daily? TOO FUCKING MANY! Wanna know how many times they have to relinquish stories from said catastro-zines? You guessed it. Btw, Nascar really does suck, it's not just a myth. They really do drive in circles turning left over and over for 4 hours.

More to come on other societal scum... 

Lord forgive me.

Did I mention I'm sick? I'm sick.

I work at Walmart/Nascar sucks

Since I have such a bad memory, I can only remember a few of the atrocious things I've witnessed since I've started at Walmart. Here's a couple things I've seen in the last few days:

-A fat old lady in an ACTUAL muu muu. How many times do you really see that?

-A (of course) fat guy on a zippy cart, with his red headed shirtless spawn running around screaming, prompting him to start yelling at them. In public. I wonder where they get it.

-A trogger* with a pony tail, and probably a nu metal band t shirt on with his girlfriend (uber white trash of course) with cut off shorts cut so short, her pasty droopy ass was hanging below the designated lines of social acceptance (unless you are in fact, hot), obviously to show off what others are missing out on. Matched with her wife beater and belly that in it's own right hung below it's own designated lines of comfort for myself, she was a solid no thank you on my list of girls I would like to be anywhere near. The saddest part for her (and I suppose him), was that she honestly wasn't even fat. Just.... loose... Ew....

-The mentally handicapped janitor talking about his bowling league in the break room to 4 other women. None of which were paying an ounce of attention to him. I've seen this guy talk to no one at all about nothing, but somehow the straight forward act of talking to people who barely notice your existence strikes me in a very profound way. Mostly just comical wizardly though.

*Now this needs a little explanation. Troggers are those nu metal guys who wear those - way too big for anyone - pants with the strappy shit all over them, probably in the hopes that their toothless girlfriends will climb up there and pleasure them while at the I.C.P. show. More specifically those pants are what make them Troggers. It's hard to explain how exactly that word describes those pants perfectly, but think about it for a second. They do. The word deriving from our friend Asian Dave (or "Dasian") from Denver. I'm not sure where he heard it first or if he came up with it, but regardless, I am grateful for the passing along. Thanks Dasian!

Now I must go consume every ounce of alcohol I can handle while simultaneously doing drugs and watching Fast and Furious.

P.S. Fuck you Nascar for making people think that being white trash is a novelty and something to be proud of.

Rock on with your fat.. er, bad self.

I have nothing to report. Except that I weigh 1,440 lbs according to my friends scale. Obviously this means that I have the bone density of an elephant. I'm calling the Guinness Book to be the worlds heaviest skinniest man.

On a side note, girls are dirty and messy. Females who clean up after themselves are becoming Unicorns.

Ahhh Unicorns... Er, nothin'!



I need a vacation.

Dear Ndugu

Every once in a while there is someone I feel is worth keeping my schedule open to see. So I don't really make plans. I just make vague outlines of my day so that I can keep a few hours open just in case they want to hang out with me. Well.... Apparently that isn't worth it because when you do this, they NEVER want to hang out. I think they can sense the pathetic longing to see them and this is obviously undesirable, so they avoid that scenario at all costs.

ANYWAYS, Friendly Fires from the U.K. is without a doubt the best live band I've seen in about a week or two. Usually bands from the U.S. are trying to rip off bands from the U.K. but it sounds to me like Friendly Fires have a Killers complex. Either way, they rip off our beloved Las Vegasites nicely and with great subtlety. 

White Lies, or Whitesnake if you are Whitney, wish so hard that they were Joy Division that Ian Curtis roles over in his suicidal grave every time the singer opens his mouth. Good luck fellas but we had to leave early. Nice light show by the way. But I work tomorrow at 1 o'clock at Walmart, so the joke's on me. Have a good tour wankers.

Goodnight

Free sushi/Power outages/People with kids are stupid

Today after falling asleep for the second time, I'm awoken by a text from Tara that says "Can we go get sushi?" to which I immediately reply with a Fuck yeah!

We head down to our local Sushiville because we are classy folks. About half way through our meal, the power goes out, flickers back on which prompts the guy who was taking a pee in their dungeon like bathroom to come out, bewildered at what he probably thought was a semi hilarious April Fools joke. The power then goes back off, for good this time. We continue eating our meal in the silence of a powerless restaurant contemplating our options in what is obviously a terrorist attack on Gresham Station. Limited power supply will, in most cases, cause your refrigerators to defrost, causing worldwide panic and looting. Shortly after, we learn this is not the case. An officer of the law, or as I like to refer to them, a "Servant of Justice", informed us that is most likely a "TA" or Traffic Accident to us lame persons. Suffice it to say, they could not open their registers, causing them to close for the time being. Thus, free sushi. Drunk drivers - 1, Sushiville - 0.

Here we are now in the comfort and energy abundant womb of the Cafe, where I sit writing this very sentence. While we are here I have a few things I would like to say about people who have both children and personal profile pages (i.e. Facebook, Myspace, etc..): STOP MAKING THE DEFAULT PICTURE YOUR CHILD! This is very irritating for many reasons, but mainly the fact that it is your page with your name on it. So why is there a picture of your kid? Yes, I'm aware that you are amazed that you created another human being, as if people have not been performing this miracle for quite a few years now (or for-ev-er), but the fact still remains that they are not you. Create an entire new page for them if you want everyone to see their beautiful innocent smiling photographs. At the very most, create an album dedicated just to your spawn. It's even possible to take a couple pictures with them! But for the love of Tom Anderson, make your default photo one of yourself.

Thank you,

Kelly James